The Great Malala Drama

Originally published at http://rationalistpk.org/2012/12/the-great-malala-drama.html

Let us have a look on another obsession of our nation with a drama, recently telecasted by all the news channels and newspapers live on whole planet earth. This is the drama of Malalai Yousufzai; a 14 years old girl who acted to be shot by Taliban due to her being vocal for women rights and education. But I do not think it is true. Taliban are the nicest people on earth and they are Khurasani people with black turbans who will eventually turn out to be the great prophesied saviours of Islam. Some of them are bad Taliban and are CIA agents.

The first and foremost proof that it is a drama is that it has never been confirmed where Malala was hit, whether on the right side of the skull or the left side of it. There were some initial reports and news which said that Malala was hit in the brain and the bullet got stuck there. So we will only believe in these half and quick reports. No matter if they were authentic or confirmed by any doctor or government. Later on it was confirmed that the bullet bruised the skull and jaw at the left side and entered the shoulder. Malala was first operated in MH, Peshawar and was later shifted to LRH, Rawalpindi. In Peshawar she was given initial treatment and her bullet was removed. In Rawalpindi she was brought to take care of the wound she received in the head near brain. The brain was swelled due to the shockwaves of the bullet. She was kept in ICU and was later shifted to Queens hospital, UK for high-tech observation of the brain activity and to examine any possible brain damage as she was still unconscious. But the initial reports of newspapers are the basis of our conspiracy theory, where it is a well known fact that initial news of an event miss many details but we do not accept this fact.

Another “authentic” confirmation fueling our conspiracy theory comes from an “originally” photo-shoped picture of Malala in which she was shown to have swelling on right side. Don’t tell me that anybody can do it at home using Windows Paint because I insist that it is a real picture. Some more weight was added to the hidden game theory when daughter of an ex-chief of our beloved Islamist party posted the pictures of Malala with some Americans. Media says that these pictures were actually taken in a seminar in Serena Hotel where Malala was invited as a guest. But again I deny every proof which goes against my conspiracy theory.

There is another picture circulating on social media where Malala is seen running towards the helicopter. This is another exposition of her being shot. Again some people will tell you that it was the picture of another misfortune Christian child who was recently accused of blasphemy by a local Imam, who turned out to be a fraud later on. But again, do not believe them. Believe me, because I am a true and authentic facebook page owner. The name of my page is “100000 likes for this page if you love Pakistan” and I have 10 times more likes than my call.

Here is the synopsis of the drama. In this Malala drama, Malala is the protagonist of a great drama ever staged on the face of earth. Great because there were not only Malala and her father involved, but CIA and Taliban were also involved. The government as usual is also in the production team. The Medical staff and Doctors of Lady Reading Hospital, Peshawar, Military Hospital, Islamabad and Queen’s hospital, UK are also in the cast who performed different Medical procedures on otherwise healthy Malala. NGO’s and media which are the main players of a new secret world order are also in the crew who supported the drama by visiting a faking to be shot Malala. Shazia and Kainaat are two other girls who acted to be hit as well, as a part of drama. The family of the shooter, later on condemning the attack, are also paid actors. The politicians who visited her in hospital including Imran Khan (I believe he was some double of Khan, because great Khan cannot take part in a drama) are also the part of this great drama. The G8 summit holding the picture of Malala and the Time Magazine nominating her for the cover of the magazine are also part of this great conspiracy theory.

Surprisingly, all of the above mentioned acts of the drama are very well organised and everyone played a role of real actor in real life and the drama is completely flawless. I support this drama to be awarded an Oscar. Furthermore, in this drama TTP’s spokesperson Ihsan ullah plays an important role when he justifies the act by citing examples from Sura Al-Kahf, where Hazrat Khizar kills a child to assure that he may not be proved dangerous to his parents in his later life. Ihsan ullah also states that this drama will be repeated again if Malala survives. But you know TTP is also an American organisation. Now don’t start blabbing that why will a CIA agent kill another CIA agent. Did I not tell you that it happens the same way in the dramas? Are you not a true Muslim and Pakistani to believe me? Yes you are, so listen to me because I run that page on facebook which has 10 x 100000 likes.

Another brilliant proof of the event being drama comes from a “fact” that Malala knows English. This is indeed a biggest proof for her being a CIA agent when because she is just 14 and still good enough at English. According to this proof she was somehow taken to an English language training centre where she was taught English so that she could write a blog for BBC. But, hold on, she wrote the blog in Urdu on BBC Urdu. Sorry, my mistake! She was actually taught Urdu in Urdu Language training institute. As she is a Pashtoon and Pashtoons do not know how to speak Urdu: my point proved. And those who say that Swat is literate city and her father owned an English Medium School where he trained his children with good education are also the part of drama. Because, even if it is true still my point is proved, because I am adamant on my conspiracy theory and I am owner of that faebook page that I told you about.

She was an enemy of Islam because she said that “The Sacred Veil” reminds her of stone age and “Sacrilegious Beards” of Noble Taliban remind her of Pharaohs of Egypt. Although, no one has ever seen this written on the online diary of Malala in BBC’s website but still I do not accept this because BBC can remove these blasphemous words from their website so that the drama may not be disturbed.

For those who agree that she was shot in real, we have another yet inspiring conspiracy theory which will warm their hearts and will give strength to their faith. Her father Ziauddin was a CIA agent in fact, he used her for fame and his own publicity. Poor child, Malala and her despicable villain father who first sent her to school and then used her as a means to gain fame in the world. He runs an English Medium school in Swat and that too with co-education. He is an infidel because he believes in the human rights of women and he thinks that they should be given equal opportunities. But I will not talk much about him because running an English Medium school is enough for my dear followers of the facebook page to establish the fact that he is a CIA agent.

Well, I hope everyone can read my English well. I know English because I studied in an English Medium school in KPK but I am not a CIA agent because I run that facebook page based on patriotism. Although, my school offered coeducation but it was not in Swat, so it was not a danger to the noble culture and religious teachings. I rest my case now.